Whether you're starting college, heading to a new city, or you just got kicked out of your apartment by your now ex-girlfriend, many of you will be moving in with new roommates this fall. Let’s face facts: Men hate talking about things, especially stuff that will feel like nagging, or, even worse, emotional. The problem is that if you don’t talk to your roommate about potential pitfalls before you move in, you might find yourself breaking your lease and sacrificing your security deposit to get yourself out of a situation that could have easily been avoided.
There are a few vital things that all new roommates should discuss before the U-Haul is unpacked and the ceremonial first pizza and six-pack are consumed. From your sins of choice to your bad habits, it's good to get some things out in the open before they become unexpected surprises at inopportune moments. Wouldn’t you rather find out about your boy’s cat allergy before you visit the Humane Society? Wouldn’t you prefer to know about your roommate’s coke habit before you walk in on him snorting a line off of a hooker’s G-String? As they say, "forewarned is forearmed," especially when it comes to hookers and cat allergies.
We know you hate sitting down and having “talks,” but it will be worth it if it saves you a fist fight down the road.
Groceries
Buying communal groceries can save you a lot of money, and having a running tally shared between roommates can be helpful when keeping a budget. Despite these advantages, sharing a shopping cart can quickly become more trouble than it's worth. With the rise of health food and increased awareness of dietary restrictions, many roommates will have far different and far more expensive diets than you're used to.
Even if you aren't living with a gluten-free vegan, it might still be best to roll with seperate shopping bags. Some roommates eat far more than others. Some prefer to eat out rather than make food at home. Some substist entirely on a diet of ramen and booze. Bring order to your refrigerator and pantry at your earliest convenience; you won't regret it.
If you do shop separately, it is good to differentiate between foods that are fair game for everyone and those snacks that should not be touched on penalty of death. We all have those foods that we'll spend a few extra bucks on for top of the line goods, and it will drive you crazy if you come home and see that the good stuff is all gone. For almost all of us, beer is on this list. If your roomie buys anything at a price point higher than a dirty thirty of PBR, don't touch. As for everything else, just ask. Some dudes like to buy that fancy peanut putter, and if you take a spoonful of that gourmet, $12-a-jar shit, he may chop off a finger as punishment.
Image via: google.comWhat Stuff is Not Communal
After groceries are figured out, it is time to deal with everything else. Most stuff left in common spaces should be available for use by all roommates and roommate friends in perpetuity, but it's still good to talk it out. You may think you are cool with your roommate using your computer to play music when you aren't home or drinking from your favorite mug if all the other ones are dirty, but it's worth talking out. You don't have to go through each item in the apartment like an auditor, but a quick "by the way, don't touch shit in my room" goes a long way toward preventing any misunderstandings and the growing resentments that come with them.
Image via: amazon.comCleaning
When you don't have a conversation about cleaning, the answer to "Who is going to clean the apartment?" is usually "whoever decides that the living conditions are sub-human first." A group of men living together in close quarters is already guaranteed to produce a gamey smell and there is no reason to make it worse by not taking some control of your apartment's filth.
Though it will absolutely make you feel like your mother, it isn't a bad idea to keep a simple chart of who cleans what rooms, and make sure it happens once a week. Shirk cleaning duties at your own risk: Don't come crying to us when you lose out on an opportunity for female companionship after she spots new life forms evolving in the corners of the bathroom.
Image via: ardorny.comPets
Obviously, if one of you is bringing a pet into the apartment to begin with, then this should certainly come up before you sign the lease. Even if you are both going in petless, it is probably good to talk critters up front. If the mere presence of cat hair would make your throat close up and your nostrils bleed as you die a slow and painful death, then it is definitely something worth discussing. Many men are only one girlfriend's landlord's visit away from becoming the proud owner of a kitten, and it will be good to let your roommate know if your apartment cannot serve as a temporary home for displaced animals.
And remember, it is absolutely your right not to want to deal with pets, and no one will blame you for faking an allergy to avoid having them in your home.
10 Things to Discuss with Your Roommate Before You Move In
BY BRENDEN GALLAGHER | SEP 13, 2013 | 8:29 AM | PERMALINK
Image via: sterlingeducation.comWork
Ideally, you both have a job, or some sort of guaranteed parent/sugar mamma/part-time drug dealing situation that will ensure that you can come up with the requisite cash by the first of the month.
There is more to consider in the roommate dynamic than the requirement that you are both gainfully employed. If your roommate works 80 hours a week at their struggling start-up, they probably won't be around much. If they are totally freelance, prepare to encounter them in their underwear eating leftover General Tso's chicken, watching twerking videos on Youtube at any point in the day.
Everyone's job sucks in one way or another. It's nice to let your roommate know the particular way that things suck for you, whether it be long hours, frequent transfers, or some other awful situation that is slowly turning you into a husk of a man.
Image via: wordpress.comDrugs
We're going to go ahead and include everything from cigarettes to heroin here, because the conversation should be the same for anything you put in your body that isn't food, drink, or someone else's body parts. The first question is, "Is it cool if I have X in the apartment?" The second question is, "Is it cool if I do X in the apartment?"
There are some folks out there who are as put-off by alcohol as you might be by crack, so it's important to check what substances your roommate is down to abuse. And while you may not want to party with your roommate, if you are living with them, you have to respect their point of view. Besides, an overview of what drugs you'll be consuming in the crib will help them know what to do if they find you shaking violently in the bathtub, but aren't exactly sure of the cause.
Image via: djinvisibleboy.comParties
Everybody likes to party, except for that dude Steve we met once. The problem is that not everybody likes to party in their apartment. There are also those other thorny issues, such as how large a party this is, how long the party will be, and if the party will be ending mere hours before you or your roommate have to get up for work.
Before ordering the keg, hauling your speakers into the living room, and putting on that shirt you always wear to get laid at parties, it might be good to have a chat with the others in your apartment regarding their feelings on any festivities that may occur. You might even find that your roommate has party plans that are too intense for you. We can hear you out there thinking that you're the sort of person who is down for anything. Trust us, you aren't. No one is. There are some terrible, rotten, no good party possibilities out there, and it's better to avoid them at all costs.
Image via: slcbookkeeping.comBills
The thing we hate most about bills is that somebody has to pay them. Heat, water, Internet, cable, communal drugs, cheese of the month club—all of these bills have to be paid. Ideally, you're splitting everything down the middle unless one of you has a greater need for cable, drugs, or cheese than the other.
The issue is not who pays what, but whose name is on the bill. There is an added responsibility having your name on the bill, namely, you're the guy they call if they don't have their money. It's usually a good idea to split potential calls from debt collectors, and divide bill-paying responsibilities. Of course, if you think your roommate is likely to take due dates on bills as mere suggestions, then it might be a good idea to have them sent your way.
Image via: qkme.me/a>
Image via: qkme.me/a>Friends "Crashing for a While"
Every man we've ever met has a soft spot for at least one of their deadbeat friends such that they think it is a good idea to let them "crash for a while." You shouldn't necessarily assume that your roommate's younger cousin who "is getting his shit together this time" and "just needs a couple weeks to figure things out" is going to land on your couch, but it is always a good idea to set friend ground rules.
If you're a light sleeper, it's cool to ask that partying friends be out or chilled out by the early a.m. If they're freeloaders, it's cool to remind your roommate not to let them eat all of the Hot Pockets. And it's OK to say that they can't stay with you, no matter how big of a dick the manager who laid them off at Papa John's may or may not have been.
Image via: 1017theone.ca
Image via: 1017theone.caSignificant Others (or Lack Thereof)
This is the trickiest situation for many roommates, and of course it is also one of the most common issues that comes up. Men, you may have heard, like having sex. Statistically speaking, most often this sex is had with women. These women are either girlfriends or not girlfriends, and each of these possibilities presents potential challenges to apartmental bliss.
If you don't discuss the situation early on, a girlfriend can quickly gain all of the privileges of a roommate without paying rent. It won't surprise you to hear that your roommate will usually side with the woman he is having sex with over you, the guy who is angering the woman he is having sex with, in any and all disagreements.
When your roommate doesn't have a significant other, or rather, he has a number of others who aren't that significant, that presents its own problems. Though it might be wonderful for your roommate to be hitting it with a different girl every night, it likely won't be awesome for you to be treated to shrieks of ecstasy and the creaking of box springs seeping through your walls nightly.
Then, of course, there is the worst possible situation: When your roommate has both a significant other and not-so-significant others, and the significant other finds out about the other ladies, resulting in shouting and slamming of doors.
We're not saying that a simple discussion with your roommate can prevent you from being party to the collateral damage on love's battlefield, but a gentlemen always gives his boys a heads-up regarding how their romantic shenanigans might affect them.
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